


rewind

by pixelpop (orphan_account)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anthropophobia, Depression, M/M, Psychic Abilities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 20:49:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1072914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/pixelpop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>yixing can't handle a lot of things; people being one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	rewind

**Author's Note:**

> Also on [LJ](http://glitterburns.livejournal.com/1495.html) and [AFF](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/611021/rewind-angst-exo-luhan-chen-lay-kris-suho).

There is a world far away, all black and white with singular touches of color only there to highlight the exceptionally good and the bad, blank mornings filled with dull sunshine and an ache in the back of one’s neck. Some are filled with colorful smoke, a haze that most can’t see, and Yixing rolls out of bed one day to find the color drained from his walls.

There are pops here and there, bright only rarely, and on the occasion a watered down version. The isolation works its way into him, and when he is forced out of his apartment, all he sees is red.

“You’re awake.”

He freezes in the doorway of his bedroom, tilting his head to the side as he sees a figure sitting on his kitchen counter. He is small, a frame that sways to the side as if he always needs to be in motion, and Yixing feels his color leak through.

He is hot pink, and his bleached hair speaks of many different colors. The small man slides himself to his feet and pads over to where Yixing has frozen, partially there and mostly not.

“What are you doing in here?”

“Your manager sent me,” he says simply. “I’m Luhan, by the way. I’ve been sent to collect you. Your poor band is missing you, _Lay.”_

“No they’re not,” he pulls back when Luhan reaches out to touch him. His pink has started to slither over to his arm, and Yixing even takes a step back.

“He was right,” Luhan mutters. “You’re terrified.”

Yixing squeaks his way around Luhan and into the kitchen. He clutches his arm to his chest and rifles through a few drawers until he finds a knife, laying it down on the island between them.

“Are you going to stab me?”

“No,” Yixing pulls the blade forward, pressing the tip into the center of his palm, and then he lightly traces it down his forearm. Luhan watches with bated breath, itching to say something, but it’s like he’s forcing himself not to freak out.

“Why are you doing this?”

There is a headache buzzing in the back of Yixing’s head. The pink flares, so bright and almost obnoxious as if it’s reaching out for him, and Yixing doesn’t pay attention, knife slicing through skin and a long line of red slips through his fingers.

“Holy shit—,” Luhan reaches forward, hands grabbing for the knife, and it slides off the counter. Yixing avoids Luhan’s touch, and even though the smaller man is trying to grab for him, he won’t let him.

“For god’s sake—,” Luhan finally gets his arm in his hand, and he shrieks loudly, an onslaught of slippery fear and stress passing through Yixing. The blood drips onto the counter between them, and Yixing is breathing so heavily that Luhan makes a grab to try and calm him down.

“Stop touching me,” he hisses. “Please stop, _no_.”

Yixing will remember this day months later. It was the day that he finally touched another human being, made contact, and didn’t implode like he always thought he would. His world of black and white was crumbling so fast it was like someone turning on a light after being in the dark for years.

“I missed you,” Jongdae says. He is smothered in a pale pink, and yellow that is similar to straw. His hands are still hesitant to touch, and Yixing feels warmth in his chest. “I’m glad you dragged yourself out of isolation.”

Luhan is smug in the corner of the recording studio, holding the tray full of coffee for the rest of the band. Junmyeon is late, and Wufan is probably dicking around in the bathroom because he couldn’t get his proper skincare routine in that morning.

Jongdae is still swimming in yellow and pink, and Luhan is now magenta through and through. The color is bright and pulsating and Yixing feels almost sick, but he does this because he promised a change.

Jongdae looks at him with warm eyes, something tangible in the way that he won’t touch Yixing.

There is a sunny afternoon that Junmyeon invites over a bunch of model friends and a solo singer from another company. They are all seated in Wufan’s impeccable apartment, and a lanky tan skinned guy comes slithering in. He is tinged with black, and long stretch of lime green around the edges. Dark and lavender are in uneven patches near his head, and Yixing unconsciously shifts away from him.

“Don’t worry about Lay. He’s an introvert, doesn’t like talking much.”

Wufan sets down a bunch of shots glasses, and Yixing feels broken off with the way that his color is so faded. Turquoise and a scarlet red sluggishly push their way through him, but it seems so forced that Yixing wonders why Wufan has any color at all.

The black colored kid forces his way into their group, smiling lazily as Wufan pours shots with a drink that is the same color as the lime green. Jongdae slams in through the front door with a shorter guy that announces himself as Kyungsoo, and then someone named Sehun. Sehun is pale blue and viridian, while Kyungsoo is a soft violet and dark brown. They are latched onto each other in their color, but also physically, and Yixing catches the way that Wufan looks at Sehun.

There’s something awkward and wrong, and for once he wants to touch to find out.

“Here,” someone hands him a camera some time later, obviously drunk, and Yixing is put on duty as the sober one. Kyungsoo’s hair is ruffled, and so is Sehun’s. They throw themselves onto Wufan’s perfectly made bed and roll around, giggling and smiling and their colors flood through Yixing and his throat tightens.

He snaps the picture so easily, Kyungsoo smiling with one of Jongdae’s hats on, glasses thrown to the bridge of Sehun’s nose. He looks about to nod off, but his gaze is fixated somewhere near Kyungsoo’s head. _Inseparable._

Luhan shows up almost instantaneously, and Yixing takes a picture on impulse. The blond is surprised, and then irritated because he should have a better picture. Yixing takes another one, and Luhan throws his hand up in a peace sign.

“Where’s Kai?” Wufan shouts from the couch, looking absolutely wasted. “Get that fuck ass out here, I need to feel him up.”

Luhan looks a little confused, but then points to the hall just as Kai is getting out of the bathroom. He looks exhausted, thrown together in a haphazard way, and Yixing takes a picture of him half expecting the black cloud to follow him onto film.

“Why are you getting drunk?” Luhan kicks Junmyeon in the stomach, mostly playful, but the younger takes it as a hit and squeals. “You have a show tomorrow, who allowed this?”

Luhan directs his gaze at Yixing, but then shakes his head as if confirming that it can’t possibly be the crazy introvert who almost cut himself up two months ago. Yixing’s hands shake with the camera in his hands, feeling cold and clammy and Luhan’s soft fingers grip at his forearm and wrench the device from his hands.

Yixing feels lonely, and grey fills up his line of sight, almost charcoal but not quite. Luhan breaks their gaze once more and starts rousing the drunken idiots from their stupor.

Yixing feels the color so intensely at their next concert that he feels sick. He actually does puke back in the dressing room when it’s over, crying so loudly that their manager doesn’t even know what to do.

“Shut him up,” he says. “I can’t have this, don’t let anyone see him.”

Yixing screams every time someone touches him, forcing himself away like he’s been burned. It is unbearably painful when Luhan comes into the bathroom to find him this way, and just sits on the other side of the bathroom stall as Yixing retches and cries.

“Why do you isolate yourself?”

“It’s painful being around people,” he sighs into the toilet bowl. “I hate it so much.”

“Why do you feel that way?”

“I don’t know,” Yixing says, feeling empty. “I honestly don’t know sometimes.”

Luhan is dark green and charcoal, and when Yixing touches him, he feels nothing. There is absolutely nothing.

“The fans are worried,” Junmyeon says in the recording studio the next week. Yixing is crawling inside himself, and there is glass stuck inside his throat. He won’t speak, only nodding and shaking his head and reaching out to grab for Jongdae’s hand because it’s warm and it makes him feel good inside. “They have a lot of photo evidence. You don’t even smile or talk in interviews anymore, Yixing. Are you okay?”

Yixing pauses, almost considering telling the truth. It sounds like a grand idea, but in reality that’s never good. So instead of shaking his head, he nods, and Junmyeon smiles like that’s some kind of answer.

Junmyeon is apple green. He is bright and pulsing and alive, and Yixing feels bad for dragging their team down. He is deteriorating fast, and everyone knows it.

That model named Kai shows up again, tugging at their life like he should matter, and everyone knows that Wufan fucks him because he just wants to get to Kyungsoo. Everyone pretends like they don’t see these things, but they all do, and Yixing sees it the clearest.

Wufan’s red has turned rustic, and he snaps at everyone, angry at every opportunity and always complaining. Yixing is shoved off into the corner of their circle, constantly run over and ignored every time they go drinking or eat dinner. Jongdae even starts to forget, and Yixing just wedges himself away.

Luhan notices.

“Your schedule has been shrunk,” Luhan hands him a warm cup of tea, the tips of his fingers brushing Yixing’s wrist and he jerks, sloshing a bit of the liquid onto himself. Luhan apologizes, sopping up the mess with some napkins and they stop to look at each other for a moment.

“Do you pity me?”

“No,” Luhan says immediately. “I can relate.”

There is an interview where they pry, they really do try and get something out of Yixing, but it’s painful, and he seizes up. Junmyeon tries to cover for him, but the interviewers keep insisting, and it ends with Yixing in tears. He tries to cover it up, and Jongdae grabs for his hand when they leave. He is warm, and all pale pink.

“They’re so mean to you,” Jongdae says in the car ride back to the studio. “Why can’t they just let you be?”

“I’m not meant for this,” Yixing murmurs. “I’m not meant for any of this, really.”

He sniffles and hates it. He hates the fact that they can poke holes in him, and make him feel so weak. It’s because it’s true, and all their colors are too bright, too angry. The stage is not meant for Yixing, it’s too alive.

Unlike him.

It’s the last concert of their tour, somewhere far away and months into the future. Yixing still struggles, still cries and vomits, and their manager just gives up. The fans don’t hate him, but they pretend like he’s not there. He is a ghost.

“Yixing?” Luhan is sitting across from him backstage. Stylists toy with his hair, spraying him with sweet scented hair products and dabbing more makeup on. “Yixing are you there?”

Yixing nods, unable to speak now because the colors are too bright, he’s feeling nauseous. One of the stylists seems to understand and hands him a bucket. They all keep them now just in case.

“Don’t puke on stage,” he says quietly, almost timid past the roar of the fans mere yards away and the hustle and bustle backstage. “Be brave.”

Yixing nods. “I will.”

He pukes once. Twice. The stylists give him a glass of water and some mints, spraying perfume around him so the rest of his band mates don’t smell it. Junmyeon is known for vomiting when another has already, and that would definitely cause a scene.

“Do you remember Kai?” Luhan says sadly. Yixing is unsure why he’s sad; it seems strange. Kai was always so distant, so mean in a careful way. It made sense why him and Wufan got along.

Yixing nods.

Luhan doesn’t say anything more though.

It’s not until a week later that Yixing actually sees Kai, and he’s shocked. The blond hair is faded, and he’s thin and gaunt in a horrible way. His cigarettes stink up Wufan’s clothing and they all complain of the smell. Kai is full of black and charcoal grey, sickly between the rest of them. Wufan touches him like he’s trying, but there’s another boy’s name on his lips.

“Will you get better?” Luhan asks, sitting across from Yixing at the island in his apartment. It is the same as seven months ago, where Yixing had isolated himself so badly that another human presence nearly sent him into shock, except the only thing the same about it is their position.

“Maybe.”

“What caused it?”

Yixing doesn’t remember. He only sees the smiles of his band mate’s faces and a swirl of alcohol; smoke billowing from his lungs and then all he remembers is the pain and the color of his nurse. She was apple green like Junmyeon, but it was terrifying because Yixing thought he was dead.

They told him he had died. He had died three times, and then came back.

“Was it the OD?”

Yixing feels like pulling out the knife, but instead settles on sighing. He stares at the scars on his arms and thinks of how thin Kai is. He feels the anger in Wufan and the gentle hope of Junmyeon. Jongdae is like sunshine, and pale pink on cloudy days when Yixing won’t come out of his room.

Luhan is grey. He is nothing, empty, and Yixing wants more than that.

“Help me get better.”

“I will.”

Luhan plants a soft kiss on Yixing’s cheek, his grey momentarily going a pale pink around the edges, and Yixing thinks he finally feels it.

They kiss in the late afternoon, a world of color suddenly black and white, and it all falls in reverse.

* * *

#  Aura Colours - Aura Colors

##  **REDS - Aura Colour Meanings**

CARMINE : Indicates a person who is seeking change

VERMILLION : Highlights creativity

RUSTIC RED : quick tempered

SCARLET RED : Can indicate a person a big ego

CRIMSON : innate creative talents

MAROON : Ability to own ones own self power

CLARET : Tenacious

##  **ORANGES - Aura Colour Meanings**

APRICOT : Indicating thoughtful communication

ORANGE : strongly motivated

PUMPKIN : self-disciplined

AMBER : Indicating individual strength and courage

CARAMEL : Indicating positive occupation changes

COPPER : Rarely seen but usually seen in those of the mining industry

RAW SIENNA : indicates weak thought processes

##  **YELLOWS - Aura Colour Meanings**

PALE YELLOW : introversion

PRIMROSE : Cheerfulness and confident

LEMON YELLOW : strength of direction

BUTTERCUP YELLOW : focused on a path of action

GOLDEN YELLOW : Indicates inspirational thought

MUSTARD : May indicate manipulative tendencies

STRAW YELLOW : day dreamer

##  **BROWNS - Aura Colour Meanings**

FAWN : Indicates the end of a period of problems

DOE-SKIN : Indicates methodical and organized people

MUSHROOM : a slowing of destiny

CHOCOLATE BROWN : Indicates links to the earth horticulturalists,

agriculturalists and environmentalist

RUSSET-BROWN : a hard working person

TERRACOTTA : an unconventional individual

DARK BROWN : indicates common sense

##  **GREENS - Aura Colour Meanings**

PALE GREEN : spiritual advancement

LIME GREEN : Indicating liars and cheats

APPLE GREEN : Healers

IRIDESCENT GREEN : extremely sociable people

EMERALD GREEN : Laying to rest of a problem

JADE : Indicates a benevolent character

VIRIDIAN : emotionally and mentally stress

OLIVE GREEN : can indicate a miser

DARK GREEN : mental stress

TURQUOISE : Often indicates success in life in someone

who has had to fight their way out of hardship.

##  **PINKS - Aura Colour Meanings**

PALE PINK : true love

PINK MADDER : indicates faithfulness and real commitment

SALMON PINK : people who have found their true vocation and love it

IRIDESCENT PINK : sexual desire

DUSTY PINK : indicates a foolish person

##  **BLUES - Aura Colour Meanings**

AQUA : The colour of a healer

PALE BLUE : Indicates sensitivity

SKY BLUE : well developed basic instincts

COBALT BLUE : Indicates intuition coming from the advanced area of the aura

PRUSSIAN BLUE : Indicates harmony

ROYAL BLUE : Indicates someone who has found their path in life

DELFT BLUE : strong principles

ULTRAMARINE : Indicates connections with the sea, sailors, surfers.

NAVY BLUE : Indicates slow, but safe and sure individuals

INDIGO : Great psychic talent

##  **PURPLES - Aura Colour Meanings**

LAVENDER : Indicating the experience of a near death experience.

LILAC : spiritual stability

MAGENTA : Indicating entrepreneurial skills

MAUVE : : Indicating a modest individual

IMPERIAL PURPLE : Awareness of dreams

GRAPE : idleness

VIOLET : indication of a humble person

##  **OTHERS - Aura Colour Meanings**

SILVER GREY : See in people who practice yoga

SILVER : Indicating the individuals connection with higher guidance.

ZINC : Usually seen around the sexual organs during arousal

CREAM : found in individuals who are following their the right path of development.

PEARL : Highly tuned mediums often have this colour in their aura.

GOLD : Indicating an elevated level of awareness.

Colures indicating problems

BLACK : Can often be seen in the auras of abused children,

divorcees, drug addicts and people who have experienced

torture or great trauma in their lives.

GREY : Can indicate a feeling trapped in their life

CHARCOAL GREY : Can indicate Depression

CHARCOAL GREY, MUDDY BROWN AND PALE PINK TOGETHER : terminal illness


End file.
